every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
