i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
