I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
