Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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