wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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