I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
