he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
50% drunk capacity currently
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
