Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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