You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want to make out with him forever
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
