swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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