My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
