ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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