I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
