if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'd cum for enchiladas.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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