Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
