got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
