i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
