i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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