I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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