Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
