When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
