Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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