I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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