I want to have your abortion
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
