my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The power of my boobs compel you
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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