maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
