I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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