Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
