I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
