So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
