I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
