counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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