she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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