Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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