For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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