This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
