It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Your cock deserves a montage
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
