My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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