who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
