Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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