The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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