my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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