There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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