I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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