I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
