I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
