So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
