you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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