My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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