i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
