If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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