when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Holy sore nipples Batman
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
