U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
