I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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