Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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