his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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