I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
