You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
