it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
