Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
